A comprehensive guide on wether or not you should dish out for a treadmill. Are you fat and lazy? Do you work a sedentary job? If you answered yes to any of these questions, the answer is Yes. Please read on. This is a story written from one fatass to another.
Imagine you’re pissed off and you’ve finally decided is enough. You’re sick and tired
of being sick and tired. Right now, in this very moment, you decide to commit to finally getting off your ass and doing what needs to be done.
Here’s two scenarios into take into consideration: In the first scenario, you commit to changing your diet and now you’re watching youtube videos about it. The funny thing is, you’re probably still full from dinner. It’s late at night and the excitement to the prospect of change is keeping you awake.
So now you’re banking on making the decision to eat better right now – but relying on a future you to carry the burden. Your mind is going to running all night long thinking about these new revelation. So you’re going to wake up feeling like complete shit because you couldn’t sleep. Lunch time comes along and hopefully you’ve got enough of last night’s excitement left to make the right choice. You try to eat healthy or maybe just less than usual. As the day goes on, you’re feeling completely drained. There’s nothing chemically rewarding about any of this. You feel like complete shit and can only hope you have the will to carry on tomorrow.
How do you expect to reinforce this new behavior if you have no way to reward it? You wouldn’t beat your dog for shitting on your carpet six months ago. You need to reward the right behavior immediately. And you shouldn’t be beating your dog.
Going on a restrictive diet is putting way too much trust in your future self. Sure, you might be able to sit on your high-horse now and resist temptation. But there will come a time where you’re back at work and need your sanity intact to carry out your day to day operations.
So you’re really just waiting. That’s boring and unrewarding. Sitting and waiting? May as well just go to sleep. So I propose to you another scenario:
You’ve committed to taking action and finally changing your life for the better. So start right now. Right fucking now. Get on a treadmill and start walking. Every minute you’re on that treadmill, you’re working towards your goals and taking accountability right now. You’re not putting all the weight and responsibility on a tired future version of yourself. You’re taking full ownership of the situation in the present by working on it right now.
You’re going to sleep better because you started exercising again. So future you is going to be rewarded with a good night’s rest. That alone is going to allow that fucker to make better decisions. You’re going to feel good from working out and that’s going to help you make better decisions.
Using the treadmill RIGHT NOW will immediately bring rewards and reinforce the desired behavior to bring you to your goals.
Before I start this video, I’d like to say the target audience are fat lazy fucks like myself. People who’ve been too busy living life and thus physical health has slipped by the wayside. You may thinking: You’ve already started this video, cocksucker – and you’re right. But when you run a search for treadmills on the internet, there’s a lot of videos out there – but none of them can empathize with being fat and feeling this way. I wrote this narrative with the intent on reaching people out there who are struggling because I’m struggling too.
The treadmill was finally delivered and installed Tuesday November 28. While waiting, I took the time to clean up our second bedroom which had become storage. The second bedroom has become a personal closet for me – so this will be a great opportunity to see if the new treadmill becomes a rack for laundry.
That same day, I managed to walk on the treadmill for three hours. No one ever talks about walking on a treadmill without shoes. Well, I did this only wearing socks and learned by the end of it that it was a horrible idea. I can already tell that a pair of shoes alleviate the concussive force against as your feet make contact with the belt. Oh well, I can tell this was a very superficial pain and I should be healed by the next day.
(This following comment was interjected six months later: Wow, I was such a fatass, I couldn't even walk without injuring myself. Pathetic.
I woke up in a lot of pain. I couldn’t even walk down my stairs. It wasn’t the bottoms of my feet that were bothering me, but rather my upper legs. Even the stabilizers between my legs were aching. You remember the whore machine from high school? It was like I was using that all day and now was paying the price.
I knew I was going be able to use the treadmill today. But that’s fine. My legs need to regenerate back to good health: Bones, muscles, and everything else. It’s funny because my wife warned me to ease into it. I am easing into it – but my goal is to walk for four hours per day. Not just one hour.
But man, I was beat to hell after only walking a steady pace for three hours? How could I have let this happen? I spent almost every day of high school talking to girls, skateboarding, and walking everywhere. I would have never guessed I’d turn into such a soft little bitch.
It was obvious my bones and muscles have atrophied from my desk job. Heck, when I was a server in a restaurant, I’d sometimes crank out a double and work a full 12 hour day. Then I’d come home and stay up drinking. Many days, the crew and I would be on our feet all day then head to the bars afterward.
The very idea of a man unfit for walking just doesn’t sit right with my soul and hopefully yours as well. If that doesn’t help convince you to buy a treadmill then I don’t know what will. Sorry to any paraplegics out there listening.
Wednesday November 29, I rested. I want to note that during this time waiting for a treadmill, I was eating within a caloric deficit. My caloric goal was to be about 2000 or less depending how I was feeling that day.
By Thursday the next day, I did only 2 hours on the treadmill. I wanted to be careful as come Friday December 1, I wanted to start my daily commitment of 4 hours per day.
Friday December 1st finally came around and I managed to knock out three hours of walking at a decent pace. For me, as a beginner, a good natural pace is about 2.5. I’ll start dicking with the incline settings once I build the habit of walking again and the strength to do it consistently.
That following Saturday, I could barely walk again. This time it was my achilles tendents that were hurting. Oh well, I figured I am still building up the strength in my legs, so I would rest and get back to the treadmill as soon as I’m recovered. That’s ok, I had to some errands to run and went out of my way to do extra walking.
I’ve noticed when it comes to shopping, I’ve never been one of those people that try to find a good spot next to the entrance. Nor do I like to park at the end of the parking lot. What I always do is try to park around the side of the building – usually where the employees are. I tend to always find an easy spot and when I get out of my car, I’m right next to the building – granted I still need to walk a good distance around it to find the entrance.
Friday December 1st finally came around and I managed to knock out three hours of walking at a decent pace. For me, as a beginner, a good natural pace is about 2.5. I’ll start dicking with the incline settings once I build the habit of walking again and the strength to do it consistently.
It was a Saturday and I was getting my shopping done. And I noticed something: I feel amazing. Although my legs hurt, my mind felt so clear. I felt alive. I felt lighter. More mobile. I was starting to feel like I did when I was a young man out of high school. Then I walked past a lady smoking and that freshly lit cigarette smoke smell sent me back. Man, I felt good. I knew I had found that magical secret most people are looking for in life – and yes, you CAN buy it. It’s a treadmill. Buy a nice one and use it. MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS.
It's Sunday and I’m sitting at my computer having my morning coffee and typing up this script. My legs don’t hurt but I’m unsure if I’m going to use the treadmill today. I want to make sure my legs have ample time to recover. Considering walking is a low-impact exercise, I think what I’ll do is try to walk at least one hour. But I definitely want to have strength for tomorrow because Mondays suck and walking is a great way to keep my body and mind charged while I’m sitting at work.
I did break my diet yesterday. I went over my calories for the day. But that’s ok, my legs were still recovering so I figure the extra protein will be a net positive in the long run. Right now, my main priority is my commitment to the treadmill. I’d rather wake up feeling energized than chance fucking up my recovery and feeling like crap because I’m trying to cut while simultaneously growing my legs back to strength.
Sunday December 3rd update supplemental: Yea, my Achilles is fucked. It’s hard to walk. Went shopping today and was walking around like an old man who just shit himself. Will need to let this heal and will likely use this an excuse to eat good. (In retrospect, these injuries are a direct reflection of how out of shape I'd become working a desk job)
Alright, I’d like to talk about inspiration. Not about things that inspire me or things that should inspire you, but rather the concept itself.
Let me start with an example: You’re either inspired or anxious to buy a treadmill. If you’re like me, you already ordered it and are really just looking for affirmation that you’ve made the right choice – which is really why I made this video in the first place. Or maybe you’re still on the fence about it and you’re paralyzed by your own indecisiveness. You compensate for this inability to make a decision under the guise of being a strategist.
Whatever the case, you’re probably doing a search for the word “treadmill” combined with another keyword like “Weightloss” or “Results”. Unfortunately, very few people are capable of articulating the spiritual and emotional support you’re looking for. God damn it, youtube, just give me a story of a fat fuck who lost a bunch of weight and changed his life buying a treadmill. Yea, I was having trouble finding such a story too.
I did find a review of the treadmill I purchased – but I really don’t give a shit about the bells and whistles so long as it the thing is mechanically sound.
So we’re looking for inspiration. You can do a google search for “Treadmill Weight loss Reddit”. Even though reddit is a liberal shit hole, there’s still years and years of entries pertaining to unique situations and hobbies. Some of the anecdotal comments might be more useful than the product reviews on amazon written by shills and bots.
So you find an old post on reddit. It says: Hey, I’m fat and thinking about getting a treadmill for weight loss. Can someone please provide me with an opinion? Please and thanks! Then the first comment is usually some jackoff saying something like: “You know you have two legs and the outside for free, right? I’d start with going outside before dishing out any money for a treadmill.”
First of all: Fuck that guy. Again, going back to inspiration: I have the nicest house in the neighborhood. Trust me, that says a lot more about the neighborhood than it does about my house. Plus, my house is on a fairly busy road. You think I want to spend the getting dressed and walking through a shabby neighborhood? First of all, within a few houses, I’ll come to my first intersection where I need to make sure I don’t get hit by a car. Wait for a good opportunity to cross, then be met with the same bullshit a block later.
Sure, I could just walk around the block only ever crossing alley ways, but do you think I find these old shitty houses inspiring? All it does is remind me that I live in an old crappy neighborhood. Fuck that: With a treadmill, I don’t need to see all these tiny houses with $50K cars parked outside of it. People make stupid decisions.
Anyway, I’m in my own domain decorated to my liking. It’s never too hot or too cold. No one is going to run me over, and I don’t need to see anyone’s fucking face. Best of all, I can drink my coffee while walking – then get a refill. I’m the king of my own castle here and it gives me a sense of control. I built this little indoor gym. It is a reflection of me.
I can’t landscape the neighbor’s yard, but I can keep my own area looking pristine. And that inspires me.
And after years and years of not walking regularly on the free sidewalk outside, what makes you think I’ll suddenly change my behavior now? And fuck driving to the gym. I don’t want to be in any area swarming with people as it digs at any sense of autonomy. I need my space. Which is exactly why I never go to McDonalds or the Apple store. Fuck that shit that’s too many people.
And if I’m feeling lazy or bored, I can just go for a walk on my treadmill. It’s a path of least resistance situation and it works incredibly well.
Honestly, I would have bought a treadmill two years ago. But I was already going to the gym at the time. My first thought was: “Is a treadmill a natural movement?” Like, does it actually simulate walking? I don’t why I let such a stupid thought deter me from making a life-changing decision.
Anyway, I looked it up on Youtube and got some Everybody Loves Raymond-looking skinny motherfucker who had an entire video about shitting on the treadmill. And no fucking way I was going to buy an elliptical because those things look and feel unnatural as fuck. So I never bought a fucking treadmill.
Two years went by and I slowly grew more and more out of shape and my legs atrophied. Next time, I’ll make my own fucking decision. So is a treadmill a natural movement that perfectly emulates walking in real life? Who gives a fuck. If you’re a fat fuck sitting on your ass all day digging an early grave, buy a fucking treadmill. Or if you think the elliptical is fun and actually enjoy it, buy that one. I’ve heard of plenty of people who actually enjoy those stupid things. Do what works for you!
One important thing I’d like to articulate here is just how good I feel having gone from sedentary to active. Now, I’ve only had the treadmill for less than two weeks now, but I feel amazing.
Now remember, I’ve been sedentary for a long time, so let me speak to that feeling first and foremost. In my last job, I worked in an small operations center with a bunch of glutenous fatasses. Honestly, the job was boring as shit. Break-Fix so stuck at a computer taking tickets as they came in. But these guys were cool as we were all on the same page. Very funny genuine guys and we all had a lot of fun – to compensate for the boring nature of the job.
For lunch, we’d often go to restaurants and pig out. My boss, equally a fat bastard like myself, would often order us pizzas for all of our hard work. And not just any pizzas: This guy went out of his way to get the good stuff from a local pizza place he knew growing up. Double Cheese Crispy Bacon pizzas cut into squares. So dang good.
And around 1 o clock after lunch, you’d hear us all moaning in pain. Had to brew another batch of coffee to keep us awake and alert. And we always had great coffee brewing. I would bring Heavy Whipping Cream to keep in the fridge since I loved my “Low Carb” even though the zero carb diet had proven to fail me repeatedly over the years. Turns out, none of these diets actually work if you over eat. To be sincere: I think all these different diets are really just tools to help manage appetite to get you at either a deficit or maintenance phase. That’s all that needs to be said about calories in and calories out from a practical standpoint.
Anyway, it catches up with you. There’s always a sense of: “Well, I guess this is it. This is what I do now. 9 to 5 is all there is.” Then you have your general anxiety. Always thinking about the past and worried about the future. Then let’s not forget depression. Fuck, if you eat the wrong foods, you might wake up hungover – especially as you get older. Unmotivated to even leave the bed because of a pizza you devoured the night before.
What can I say? I have the appetite of a man. I don’t eat like a bitch. Fuck that shit, I’ll put the entire frozen pizza in the oven and throw an entire bag of shredded cheese on top of it. Panda Express made the Bigger Plate for fatasses like me. I’m just waiting for them to make the Bigger Bigger Plate so I can have a lunch the really hits. Sometimes you wake up and you have a gut feeling calling you towards something warm and cheesy. You’re not sure what you’re going to eat that day but you just know it needs to be warm and have a cheesiness about it that hits. You don’t fuck around with food when you’re a fatass. You become incredibly decisive and in-charge.
And where the hell are we going to find time to change? There’s no time for the gym. We’re busy. Some of us fat people have families now or wives to go home to. Half the time, it’s more cost effective to stop at Chipolte on the way home than it is to try to cook something from scratch. Of course, when we DO cook something from scratch, it takes several hours because, again: We don’t fuck around. Some of us fatasses are engineers by nature and have become very good cooks.
And if you’re struggling with alcoholism: Fuggetaboutit. Good luck. All that food on top of a box of wine over a weekend or 30 rack. Makes things way more difficult. And I could write an entire book about drinking – but for this video I will say only one thing when it comes to alcohol: When you consider that only some people find alcohol to work as a powerfully-addictive stimulant while the majority of other people can take it or leave it, then there is little reason to try to measure what constitutes an alcoholic. You’ll either find it to be one of the best drugs in existence, like myself. Or you’ll be one of those normies who says shit like “Oooooh, I can’t drink anymore, I’m starting to feel it.”
Dude, when I’m starting to feel it is when the night starts to begin. I go on adventures and wake up in strange places when I drink. Anyway, figure out which type of person you are because that’s all that really matters. To try to measure alcoholism is to really just to measure the degradation of your life in relationship to drinking.
Anyway, I feel awesome. Although I’m walking like I spent the night in boys town, I feel so comfortable in my own skin. I’m more engaging with people. I’m no longer concerned about the future or thining about the past – because I am instilled with a deep rooted sense of trust and faith that everything I’m doing right now is exactly what I need to be doing. In which case, the future is going to be great because of the amount of attention I can spend on the present.
Remember when you were in high school or the years that followed? Walking everywhere. Hanging out with friends. Being excited about the future? That’s how I’m starting to feel. Like I’m picking up right where I left off before I became a sedentary asshole.
You know how your one buddy or family member is constantly hitting the gym – and they make it look so easy somehow. They do it because they feel alive and healthy. And while I don’t think they can articulate it or sell you on the idea of getting back in shape because they’ve never suffered from being an obese fatass, I think I can motivate you here right now. You can do this. I know you can.
Because if you can dump an entire bag of shredded cheese on top of an oven pizza, then fold it in half like a taco and eat it while the orange grease drips everywhere, then I know you can walk your fat butt on a treadmill. You were born to do great things – just like that giant deep dish you devoured which gave you gas that was bad enough to peel the paint off the walls. Chances are you already waste money on plenty of bullshit on the internet. So just order a treadmill. PayPal Credit that shit or whatever you gotta do. Because you cannot put a price on living a good life. Actually, you can: It’s like 1200 bucks. But that’s going to be better than squandering your HSA on medical bills and prescription drugs.
Under all the flab is the body of a Roman statue. Trust me: In a few weeks, you’re going to be feeling better. Unless you’re like Brendon Fraisures character in the Whale movie – don’t get yourself killed trying to exercise. Because then you won’t be able to get better.
Be sure to comment your story in the comments. If this video is more than a year old by now and you don’t hear from me, just assume I fell off the wagon and am fatter than ever.
Getting off my fat ass and moving again is what gave me back my energy and spirits. It was enough to motivate me to try a carnivore diet again which made me feel amazing. When I finally cut out dairy two months after, I started to lose weight and my appetite began to diminish. It's almost summer now and I have the energy to walk outdoors! I owe this all to that boring ass treadmill I bought which currently sits in my guest bedroom waiting for me next winter. Since then, I've also bought a pull-up bar weight cage which has been awesome. Pull ups are so fucking simple: Walk up to the bar and hold yourself up. It's not even a workout: It's just fun.
So if you're a hopeless fatass like myself, buy that fucking treadmill and just start.